日記

I still hate you for what you said to me. You know how I feel about you and my condition, but you don’t understand how to deal with it. How can you say you love me, if keep disagreeing with me and end up fighting? I don’t know who’s right in this situation, but all I know is that I want to be alone for a bit or at least not stress me out more than I already am everyday. If you were more sensitive and understanding, things would be a lot better for not only me, but us. You know I’ve been traumatized from the way I was raised and how I was treated. Yes, I am thick headed and so are you, but you don’t see it. everything I’ve told you before from your actions and possibilities, I really meant it. I don’t fuck around with this AT ALL. If you really do love me, then show me the best way you can. You know that I love you from all the stupid choices and sacrifices I’ve made for you. I don’t want us together years from now with your behavior not changing, living the lifestyle like your parents and myself still not giving a flying fuck anymore over how I’m treated by others. I’ve given up right now because I can’t please 2 parties. they want me to spend more time (ie vacations, special events etc.) with them, you want me to spend 24/7 with you while I get ZERO time with gucci nor time for myself. I don’t regret not moving in with you. I don’t want to think about our future together, you’ve never brought up nice things about them claiming you don’t want me to cry when you partially didn’t want them in the first place even when you knew how I felt. I don’t know if I want to save my money anymore to spend the weekend ALONE in santa cruz. I don’t want to ask my dad for money because this is something I want to earn on my own. i really don’t give a flying fuck if something happens to me or if my parents refuse to let me go. I’ve given up on everything. nobody cares about how I feel so why should i even care anymore? nobody wants to hang out with me because I’m too embarrassing or awkward? ok, well fuck you too. I’d rather die alone than be around 2 faced people. 

ps if I die, please take gucci with me. nobody will take care of her the way I do. 

so 바보 went camping yesterday morning for some class fieldtrip. I know he misses me like crazy right now even though it’s been only a day because he’s very clingy…I feel great. shit I went out at 4 and wasted almost $100 at the Korean Spa and did nothing at home all day. but then I had a bad dream about him last night. I swear if he does what happened, I never want to see him again nor do I know him anymore. Unfortunately though, he’s coming back tomorrow afternoon. buuuut 바보 said we could go do high tea when he comes back, but idk. I don’t think I want to do it if I’m paying for the two of us. 

So yesterday 바보 came over since my parents are gone for a few days and I did some studying for tomorrow’s test and when I finished, I went over to the couch to watch green lantern with him. gucci ran over and tried to squeeze herself between us. I sat her down 3 times behind me, but she kept coming back trying to squeeze in -___-. HAHAHA!! she’s so cute. Everytime 바보 comes over (which is only when my parents are out of town), she gets so excited and follows us around. Kinda like a little kid trying to play with their parents, but she got mad when 바보 and i were kissing lol! stupid dog lol.

on Monday during my break at work, my cousin called me to check up on me bcos she ran into my sister and she told her what happened. it was sudden, but it felt great having someone to talk to that I trust. my sister noticed how unhappy I’ve been lately. she’s my sister so of course she wants to help. so she suggested I see her therapist. so this Sunday I’m gonna meet her therapist and I hope therapy works. even though her therapist doesn’t take insurance and that she still has student loans, bills and a mortgage to pay off, she’ll pay for therapy for me. I really have been feeling down a lot since break started. my cousin said we should have lunch/dinner together sometime this weekend so I said ok. it’s not just the fact of being so far behind from everyone (not transferring, no money etc), but how certain things still really depresses me.
바보 doesn’t think I need therapy when I could just talk to him. the problem is that he gets angry when I want to talk about certain things…angry, not listening/refuses to deal with it or doesn’t get it. I still can’t forgive him for the horrible things he said and did to me. he should’ve known better, but he’s too immature and selfish to really understand how I feel. I really hope seeing therapy helps. when I spill my feeling out to people, I end up crying because it hurts A LOT. even my mom asked me why don’t I hang out with friends anymore. my only response was “I don’t have friends”. I’d rather die alone or die now than to continuously keep getting hurt.

Say that you’re with the person who you are crazy for/completely in love with that everyone know how they feel about each other. You love that person so much you want nothing than to be with them for the rest of your life, but he/she wants something you’re 100% completely against and you’d get upset whenever he/she mentions about it. You really love that person, but you really don’t agree with that certain something they want so much. What would you say about him/her? 

haven’t done much since school ended besides working and hanging out with 바보….a friend of mine whom I use to call my “sister” recently contacted me saying she wanted to grab lunch and meet her baby. supposedly it was today, but at last minute she said we have to reschedule bc she forgot she had to take her mom to the airport. still haven’t had any girl time since my counselor told me I should have some girl time every once on a while…why? because
1. conflicted schedules
2. they’re out of town
3. I’m with 바보
4. I have NO FRIENDS like
바보 said and he’s right.
going to Hawaii with the family next week. I’d rather be home alone than go with the family. when I am with friends, it just with 바보 and his cousin and some of their friends. erika moved to Torrance for a new job and my other best friend is always with her bf or working. 바보 has been playing new games all day since last week while I just sit there playing with my phone. all I can do is hangout with Gucci or run errands on my free time. if you got some beef with me, then just say it!

I don’t know if this is going anywhere anymore. He doesn’t want me to go to Hawaii with the family because he’s taking summer school and gonna apply for jobs and says I’m screwed if there’s no refunds or date changes for flights. I asked him why not take the 2nd summer session instead, but he wouldn’t give me a reason. And says something about borrowing my car to apply for jobs while I’m gone in Hawaii. So I told him, then what happens if something happens to my car? because there’s no fucking way he’s just gonna leave my car there and not pay for the damages. PLUS who’s gonna watch Gucci? Why does she have to go to a doggy daycare and I have to stay home when my parents are out of town? They know how I feel about gucci. I don’t really want to go on vacation with my parents, but I’m doing this for my dad, BUT I have 2 people telling me the opposite of what I should do. This is where I try to make 2 people happy and then shit happens to me again. He’s being a kid by not finding his own way to get to school and back and acting as if I’ll let him take my car. FUCK THAT! I know he’s gonna be driving people around when he’s hanging out with his cousin! If he wants us to break up over some stupid shit again THEN FINE!

바보 and I went to pierre’s birthday party with gucci plus my friend from work, her husband, daughter and their 2 dogs. The party was soso since there was no music or decent beer, but there were so many dogs! I went to Japantown this morning with gucci since my student couldn’t come today and bought pierre a bday cake before picking up 바보 who was still sleeping by the time I got to his place….wtf? 2 of my aunts who I don’t like were there too and they kept telling me how skinny I got they didn’t recognize me. One of them said they wanted to have lunch with me..uh no. 바보 and I left around 4:30ish and watched robots at my house. dunno what we’re gonna do now since we’re just hanging out at his place. Tried out churro ice cream at my sister’s house. It was good, but I don’t like the churro chunks.

2 years

Last cinco de mayo was our 2 year anniversary. Last year I didn’t want to celebrate it because there was no reason to celebrate if he was gonna keep hiding our relationship from other people, but we already left the house so i didn’t say anything. This year I didn’t care if we celebrated or not, but we ended up eating out at tobang. I somewhat regretted celebrating because I don’t find anything special about anniversaries for some reason. If we’re still together, then we’re still together. we got the small family special for 2 people, but that was more for 3-4 people so we had a lot of leftovers. He always gives me a hard time, but every time I look at him, I always forget that he annoys the fuck out of me. His friends have seen us argue and have seen us call each other “faggot”. They all nod their heads agreeing that it’s love between the two of us. i guess it is….I can’t imagine myself with someone else or anyone else with him. sometimes I feel like he can find someone much better than me because I tend to screw up sometimes. that’s something I can’t talk to him about because it just upsets me even more. I told him too that if he wants to leave, then he can. I’m not staying with him just to constantly get hurt emotionally and physically. 

Stuffy/runny nose for 3 days now. I have to breath through my mouth also bc breathing in cold air hurts my nose. I sound like that guy from hey arnold !  바보 said i sound like a creeper hahaha!